When I started this blog (weird, I usually make everyone celebrate my blog’s birthday, but I forgot this year), I was going to write about balancing my job and my family (and myself, I suppose). I’m returning to that theme today.
Yesterday, I had a particularly frustrating moment of feeling like a failure. I had gotten to work at 8:30, and I had a meeting from 10-12. The meeting went until 12:30, at which point a colleague suggested going to lunch to continue a conversation. I had to get back to pick up S & G at 1:00, so I could get them home, get them down for a nap, and work before Patrick got home. So I said, “No, I can’t do it today.” I felt some judgment–maybe it was in my head, as in me judging myself.
I know Patrick’s dad would have watched the boys longer if I had asked, but we had already stayed with them for 24 hours due to the storm and power outages. I needed them to get home and take a good nap. I went home, put the boys down, and I worked from 2-4:00 when they woke up and Patrick came home. We talked about dinner, trick or treating, and the boys’ day. I raced out of the house to go back to the office from 5-9:30.
Here’s the deal: I missed a meeting (not a huge deal, because I’m having it today); I missed trick or treating (not huge, because I took the boys to Halloween fest last weekend); However, these events together felt like a massive failure as a mother and a professor. On the other hand, people, I worked 10.5 hours yesterday, spent 4.5 hours of quality time with the boys, and barely talked to Patrick, so who’s really losing out here?
Most of the time, I feel like I can do it all. Then I butt up against something that just says, “No, you can’t.” I’m sort of over it today, but the feeling lingers.